Stop The World

When I was a child I could stop the world. It was a skill I learned out of necessity. I could stop all sight, sound, thought and feeling by lying on my stomach in bed with the covers over my head and my pillow pressed tightly against my ears.

Frightening and horrible things seemed to disappear when I wrapped myself in the safety of my bedroom sanctuary. I could not hear ugly words shouted in anger from the rooms below. The sound of a fist striking a face or an upraised arm was muffled into silence. The whooshing of my own heartbeat drowned cries of anguish and pain. Sometimes I still could feel a vibration in my chest if someone was knocked to the floor or against a wall. But even these became unnoticeable if I tapped the mattress with my foot to the rhythm of my pulse.

I continued to seek refuge from the world even as an adult. Then I would create my sanctuary by drinking alcohol to alter sights, sounds, thoughts and feelings. The world no longer disappeared, it simply became more to my liking. I distorted my perception of the real world until I could no longer distinguish what was real from what was false.

My skill at distorting reality seemed for years to be a gift. It enabled me to live with a false sense of peace and security, believing that all was well. Gradually alcohol ceased to work its magic. At the end I was forced to face the problems I had allowed to grow around me as well as the consequences of not dealing with them.

Through denial or procrastination I had allowed little problems to become big ones. The problems and their consequences took many forms; lost credibility, damaged relationships, bad personal habits, poor health, debt. My growing awareness produced fear and anxiety. Alcohol no longer numbed those feelings.

I didn’t know how to fix what was wrong. I wanted it all to go away. It wouldn’t. I was desperate. In my desperation I became willing to admit powerlessness. The admission of powerlessness overcame the influence of my ego and I was able to ask for help.

Those I asked offered their help without conditions. Look, they said, try what we did. It worked for us. I did what they suggested. It worked for me too.

Now I don’t seek refuge from the world. I awaken each morning embracing it with a positive attitude. I deal with problems as they arise so they don’t grow larger. If a problem is the result of something I cannot change then I accept that and I move on. I try always to do the right thing, which has helped to restore my credibility and repair my relationships. I now depend upon a Higher Power in my life, a sensible thing since I recognize and have admitted that I am powerless in nearly all things.

Life is better. I no longer seek refuge from it. I no longer drink. I don’t have to. I have changed.